my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
false alarm, still single
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize