your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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