I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
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