i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
