Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
