I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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