So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
