Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
