I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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