i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
