Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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