I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I need a burrito and a hug.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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