Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Randomize
