I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
