Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
