who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
