No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
