Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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