Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
