i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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