you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
