he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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