Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
