I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
