I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize