Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
