This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
