If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
