SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I think your dad took our porno
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
