she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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