i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize