did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
