her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
