Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
