yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
