im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
People in love make me want to vomit
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I enjoy the company of your penis
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
