We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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