Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
