I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
