How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
