she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
