I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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