32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
you win again, gameday.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
