woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
