Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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