Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
