My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize