No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
