he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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