if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
