You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
