you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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