you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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