Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
