My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
