He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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