fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
