Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
