If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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