Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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