She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
