Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
