Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
