In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
