Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
