today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
