I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
