i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
