She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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