If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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