How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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