this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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