I looked at my own cervix.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
