I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
