I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
we're so committed to being not committed
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize