some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
