so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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