we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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